Hello Gentle Reader,
It is with much sorrow and regret that I, intrepid reporter and investigator Penelope C. Boner, am writing to report that Pizza Island, a famously exclusive all male studio in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, is closing down after two years of comics, pillow fights, fart jokes, barn dances, wizards, laughter, and an inordinate amount of screaming. I recently interviewed the girls of Pizza Island at their homes to find out what happened and where it all went wrong.
“I think the problems began when Domitille ate all my snacks, barfed them back up onto my desk, and then told me it was an art project,” claimed Lisa. Hanawalt lazily doodled a horse head in a heart before adding, “also, I was a toxic bitch and I tore our studio apart for my own amusement.”
In her defense, Domitille Collardey claimed that Hanawalt had forced everyone to give her piggy back rides up the stairs and whipped them with horsewhips when they didn’t pencil her projects fast enough. Collardey also suspected that “someone was hoarding snails in their filing cabinet” and she “didn’t like that.”
Julia Wertz also had a bone to pick with Hanawalt, claiming that Lisa had a parasitic twin named Ralph growing out of her back that would proposition her relentlessly. “I couldn’t take it anymore,” Wertz sighed. “I mean, Ralph was pretty cute and all, but I couldn’t figure out how the sex would work with Lisa just, like, right there all the time, and got tired of rejecting him. Plus he was mostly just a mass of teeth and hair and I like holding hands so it would never have worked.”
When asked about the illicit events occurring at the Island, Sarah Glidden provided no comment, only saying, “I don’t have time for this.” As Glidden darted down the hallway, pencils and paintbrushes tumbled from her jacket pockets and clattered to the floor. “This is nothing!” Glidden yelled over her shoulder. “Don’t look at me!”
Not entirely satisfied with these answers, I dug a bit deeper into the rumors surrounding the Island and with a little sleuthing and a lot of grape gum, I discovered that Meredith Gran had actually tried to turn Pizza Island into an illegal, underground dog-fighting arena! And domestically challenged studio mate Sarah Glidden had been living in a tent under Kate Beaton’s desk since her return from France and it was becoming a health hazard. Speaking of Beaton, it was recently discovered that she had been smuggled into American inside an accordion case and was being deported back to Canada. On top of that, all the members had at one time or another claimed that they were fed up of smelling Hanwalt’s farts and that Wertz kept stealing all the pencils. Oy vey!
And so, after two years of being stuck on Pizza Island, enduring countless hardships such as being relentlessly mocked by a mouse that ate all the peanuts, the girls finally built a ship and have set sail for other lands! What comes next for each rogue islander? I asked and then they told me and then I knew the answers:
– Sarah Glidden is finally acting on her Bush-era threat to leave the country and is moving to France to live with the communists. You can find her at sarahglidden.com
Domitille is establishing herself as a psychic sleuth – mysteries solved and return of lost belongings guaranteed – at domitille-collardey.com
-Julia Wertz has gone back underground to work on her interpretative dance of the mating rituals of root hogs. She’ll periodically resurface to post comics at juliawertz.com
Meredith Gran is pursuing the dream of reading an entire book from start to finish. After that she’s hoping to finish laying out her woman cave. Comics appear out of her mind on octopuspie.com
Lisa Hanawalt contributes regularly to The Hairpin and regularly updates her website with your worst nightmares: lisahanawalt.com
Kate Beaton is going to try knitting comics instead of drawing them and harkavagrant.com will pioneer this daring new form
and with that, we bid Pizza Island a fond farewell. God Speed, tiny captains!
Disclaimer: Pizza Island officially disbands at the end of January so please do not use the mailing address or group email listed on this or any other site as they are no longer valid. For information or contact info about any members, please visit their individual sites.
